psychology of thought

long time.

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 08:04:18 GMT

so i was in a pretty good habit of updating. sorry guy, i've been pretty busy with stuff. lots and lots of stuff.
today we burried my dad. it was really kinda sad. it makes you wonder about life. i didn't know my dad, at all. i couldn't tell you what his morals and values were, i have no idea what was important to him, what he stood for, or what he cared about. i don't know who he cared about. i don't know. because of the incedents that went on prior to the accident... i dunno. i can't imagine... i wish that he would have left us more... together? i just feel so broken...

i'm supposed to be the adult now... the first week of a coma is the most important. and it's been a week... i don't know if my mom is going to wake up. that's not true. the doctors don't know if my mom will wake up. i'm pretty sure she won't. i want her to, but i don't see it happening. god... i'm not ready for all of this. it's like... everyone is gone. my brother's never home. he's with anthony all the time, which is understandable... but that leaves me here most of the time. in the house that i always dreamed of escaping for most of my teenage years. and i feel trapped in it.

i really don't want this entry to be this.

there's really not a whole lot going on. i've been pretty busy. i'm really tired. i don't have a whole lot to say other than the crappy subjects... i should go to sleep. i think i am going to sleep now.

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 18:00:44 GMT

shit shit shit....
so i haven't updated in a while... and some stuff has happened. some bad stuff... oh goddamnit. i don't know, i feel like posting this in a journal isn't something that you should do. i dunno. but this is me, my life uncensored...

my dad walked in on adam and anthony on saturday night. he got really pissed off and kinda beat him up. then him and my mom went to a christmas party, got incrediby drunk, and drove home... except that didn't get home. the ran a red light, and by running i didn't mean tried to beat the yellow, i mean they just drove through a fucking red light.

who does that? who the fuck is stupid enough to just go off and put themselves into the.... god... that's not all...

my dad wasn't wearing a seatbelt. he was already lost when they arrived on the scene. my mom's in the hospital, in a coma i guess. but not the life threatening kind? i haven't really been paying attention to all the techinical stuff... but they expect her to wake up and be reletively normal. or something. i don't know... anothony took adam to the hospital, he has a broken wrist.

fuck... when did my family turn into fucking jerry springer/soap opera fucked up family? i can't even think anything... everything is just... so.... i don't know. i kinda feel like everything in my life is just... gone. not that family was ever a foundation of anything for me.. but it was never something that i thought i wouldn't have... it's just like... nothing is the way it should be.

i'm so fucking scared. i don't know what i'm supposed to do right now. my parents attorney was talking to me about adam, and what i'm supposed to do, and what options i have, and what's going to happen if my mom doesn't wake up... fuck fuck fuck...

this is not how holidays are supposed to go.

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 18:19:18 GMT

whoa... so tired. and kinda hung over. i brought adam out with me and jake to party and stuff. we all got drunk. and adam has more of a tollerance for alcohol than i do. oh well.

this afternoon i'm taking him surfing to show him up. i taught the kid how to surf, now he thinks he's better than me. cocky bastard. he's been anthony too much. it rubs off... hah. that'd be a funny sexual inuendo if it weren't my kid bro.

so cassie called me and wants me to go on a blind date. hah. no. she wants to go the the little fair thing on the boardwalk tonight... and i'm pretty sure she's inviting this guy. whoever he is. i will kill her. plus, i think i found a guy that i kinda have a crush on. despite the fact that i really don't know him at all... oh well. we'll see. he's just a decent guy.

ugh, i have a headache. is that rumor about mitol and warm milk true? i'm not sure how i feel about buying mitol...

today should be fun. tonight could be annoying. but i am off to go buy bread cause i want a sandwich.

hmmm.

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 17:14:23 GMT

01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. Do you have a crush on me?
05. Would you kiss me?
06. Describe me in one word.
07. What was your first impression?
08. Do you still think that way about me now?
09. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

i stole this from demonica, so thank you.
are these things annoying? i'm new to the lj world, so i'm not quite sure if i should post these. or is it one of those things that is okay as long as it's not all the time? i do not know.

fucking freezing.

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 16:52:26 GMT

i went surfing at 5am. and i am so sore from yesterday. holy crap. but i need to get back in shape. walking around campus isn't much exercise.

i'm annoyed cause lj deleted a long as post that i wrote. damn them.

oh well. i feel baddly cause someone imed me that wasn't on my buddy list, and it came up with the little screen, but i was typing and i pressed N and it ignored the person. so if you are that person, please forgive me. heh, i didn't mean to. just im me again or comment with your sn and i'll add you to my buddy list.

he came out.

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 21:05:50 GMT

so i mentioned that my little bro wanted to talk to me, and i figured it be just issues with school or girls or whatever. but no. he's gay. or pretty sure he is. he's 16. and he's been doing stuff with the kid down the street. who is in his grade. he's new and movie there a couple months ago with his parents from RI. but they've been fucking around all semester. i don't know how to feel about it. i mean, it's like... well that's cool. but your my little bro. and i dunno. part of me feels baddly cause there's so many gay people that are stupid and spiteful... probably no more so than straight people. but i've been through so many struggles. i hope that he will be okay.

so i did the thing that any good brother would do. i confessed my gayness to him. which he took really well. he was all excited and asked about what i'd experienced and stuff. so, we have a pretty candid relationship i think. and so i told him pretty much everything. or everything that he asked. and it was cool. but yeah. so so weird. we talked about what our parents would do if they found out. they couldn't do a whole lot to me, but they could fuck up adams life. more so thant hey already have.

part of me is thinking about staying in cali. i mean, with adam going through this, and the fact that my mom has yet to be sober since my arrival and my dad being non existant... he's gonna need someone around. maybe i could bring him back to az with me? how does that work. fighting my parents for him... sounds dangerous.

i dunno. i'll talk to him tonight. i'm taking him and anthony, his bed buddy, out to get pizza and ice cream. i wonder if anthony's cute...

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 20:57:57 GMT

creating a new identity. i'm such a internet guru now. i have a livejournal. i just made a profile on myspace.com.

how else can i pimp myself out to the dirty old gay men of the internet?

now i need friends on lj and myspace... i really don't think i'm social enough to handle this.

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:03:27 GMT

i haven't updated in like, a week, or a long time.
i'm home for christmas now. ah, the wonderful cali christmas. pretty much like the rest of the year. i have strange neighbors. they have those skeleton reighndeer with the mechanical heads... lemmme tell ya, it makes their yard look more like halloween with the stick animals and santa and they have red lights. not bad if they were going for the horror movie look.

i've finished my christmas shopping, thanks in great part to ebay. i'm in the mood for one of their musical commercials. tre cool.

so marco picked me up from the airport. then we drove for a long time... and finally got home. sweet sweet del mar. blockbuster was out of the movie we wanted to get. bastards. they need a better selection of gay shit.

needless to say, the welcome from my parents was less than welcoming. i haven't seen my dad in the 3 days that i've been here. and my mom has probably been buzzed the whole time. yay. my little bro is cool though. we've been hanging out pretty much non-stop. which is very cool. i don't mind him at all. i guess we must have grown out of that annoying little brother thing. which is nice. he acts kinda awkward around me and my friends. i think he might have figured out that i'm gay... but i dunno. we'll have to see. he said yesterday that he wanted to talk tonight. we're going to make dinner... grilled cheese or another one of my specialties. toast maybe?

cassie was supposed to be here early. we were going to go surfing. but she's like 30 minutes late. and all the newbies are gonna be out surfing. fuckers. not that i can say much, i'm probably out of practice and very much on the sucky surfer side. but we'll wait and see.

tonight we're going to some new club called telerouge... it sorta makes me think of moulin rouge. but i don't know french and i don't know what tele means in french... i dunno. but skank hos are always interesting.

entry number two.

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 20:49:22 GMT

well i had a good weekend i think. i hung out with cassie, my best female friend. she's awesome. she's in denile of being a fag hag and for the last week has been looking for an inverse of it for me. i don't hang out with any gay guys so i'm straight-bait. according to her. clever bitch.

and while i've enjoyed my time in the hell hole that i like to call the ASU dorms, i have every intention of moving out to the real world. i'm going to be getting an apartment with Marco. which should be cool. He's still kinda of uncomfotable about me being gay and whatever. personally, i just think he's afraid that i'll seduce him in his sleep. psh, i could seduce him while he was awake if he let me.

so anyways, we all decided to go see Zoo Lights. and let me say... i was bored. i mean, yeah lights are pretty, but walking around the zoo is only really cool if you run into animals and shit. but there were just lights. and while they were cool, i would have much prefered to sitdown and look at pictures of them. why am i so lazy?

speaking of lazy, Jake (other hetro friend) wants me to join some basketball team at his big ass gym. and while i would like to get buff, i can't afford to pay 100 bucks for a freakin gym membership. i need to find an apartment that will just have a place to work out in it. or a pool. i coulds swim i think. that wouldn't be too difficult.

i had the strangest dream. i was in class, and my teacher asked me to stand up and give a report, which i hadn't done. i walk up to the front of the class, and then all of the sudden i'm a woman. well i'm dressed like a woman. and i start talking about how i like gay sex to my pych class... and they're asking all these questions. fucking kinsey. shit.

i need to not eat rumcake before bed. go figure.

i give in

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 17:30:06 GMT

i finally have a blog. today is a day to remember. actually it really isn't. well, maybe it is. i'm done with school. for winter break. i will have fun. snowboarding, going home to cali for a bit, enjoying what so many of us like to call christmas, when actually it's the celebration of our lord jesus christ. haHA!
just kidding, i'm not a jesus jumper. i like to think of it as my incredibly stingy parents spoiling me with useless gifts, and making me fat. well, trying to anyways. the whole cooking thing is not so much a talent that my family has. we used to have a maid who cooked for us, but then she died suddenly. food poisening, it was bad. i guess we would have had to fire her if she hadn't died. hehe, i'm only partially kidding.
but yeah, so i guess i should introduce myself? or say something worhtwhile where. My name is Christopher Bailey. in high school i was called Bailey, partially due to playing sports, partially do to the fact that my sophmore yeah i had an encounter with Bailey's irish cream that ended with me naked in a pool with a frog, don't ask. and because i'm irish, and while people call me a slut (i'm not) they just think it's funny to refer to the people who i have had sex with as trying "Bailey's Irish Cream" i'm irish, they call me bailey. if you don't get it, either you're stupid, or just far to innocent to be my friend. but you can't be too stupid to be my friend. i have lots of stupid friends.

so i'm a psychology major at asu, it's fun. i like to analyze people. it gets annoying, mostly to them. but i like it. uhm... wow. i don't know what else to say.

i don't suppse this was an incredibly exciting journal entry. although i have yet to get any friends to sign up for this, so no one can read it. wow, i'm an lj loser. sad day.